I absolutely love that song by Edwin McCain.
(it's actually what I'm listening to right now. Thank you Pandora for being amazing.)
Okay so I need to get this all out before I do another ho-hum depressing and yet uninformative post.
Josh and I are having problems(obviously). They have been going on for quite a while. Longer than I think I even know. And they've finally caught up with us. Mainly me. He has had three years of my life. No matter what happens I will always love him. And his amazing family.
But thing is, I'm moving to California. With or with out him. More likely the latter. Now I'm not doing this tomorrow. It's going to be in about two years. At least that's the dead line. I'm going to get in touch with my dad and see if he'll let me live in the extra house on his property while I get everything lined up. A job and a place to live in the town of the college I want to go to. I'm going to go to college to be a Marine Biologist.
This didn't just pop out of the blue. I've wanted to be one for quite a while and I let myself be talked out of it.
The other night when Josh and I drove to the ball park and talked, he asked me for five years. Five years for him to be ready to leave. And I can't give that to him because I will stay here for the rest of my life. I will persue a degree in something that will not make me truly happy. And yes I know that this sounds selfish. But I will not be happy staying here. And he will not be happy leaving here. Arkansas gets in your blood. I pretty much grew up here. There is no way I could completely abandon it. Not to mention I do also have family here.
Joshua wants to try and he want's to make things work. And I want to try. Like I said it's been three years of my life, I'm not just going to give up. He is a great man who has done so much for me. I never saw us going through all of this but we are.
And it's hard.
And I don't know how I feel.
I feel horrible, but I feel nothing.
And I can't believe I'm being so open with complete strangers. I just hope that what I'm going through, all of this that I type about, that one day it will help some one else.
Divorce was never in my vocabulary and now it's seems inevitable.
Staying at my moms has been a little bit of a help. I'm planning on going to the house tomorrow. Not sure what time but before I go to work tomorrow night. Tonight I'm going to a bests house, then sunday work and church. Monday we may go to Joshuas parent's house, they want to have a little get together with us and my bro/sis in law. We may even go to the Washington County Fair. Probably not, but it sounds nice.
And on a side note...
I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend!! I'll do a picture post ASAP! Probably....this weekend???
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