I've been trying to write a list this morning(I had more points while I was still laying freezing bed). Why won't Josh and I work. Why am I having so many doubts. How are we different. These are all factors I'm trying to put on paper. Maybe I'm having trouble doing it because I'm so scared he'll see it. But then again if he ever reads any of my blog he'll be pretty ticked off.
I know that I could be happy staying with him. I know that we could pretty well pretend all of this never happened. But that doesn't mean that it didn't. That doesn't mean that a few things have re awakened in me. Our life will be standardized. It would fit into a mold. And he would be more than happy with that. But I would still crave that life I have always craved.
I fell in love because he was the fairy tale. He was like Prince Charming, rescuing me from the dragon.
Here is a question I keep asking my self: Why am I not happy???
I have practically everything. A house, a car, two dogs. A great church. A good man. What am I missing? What is it that is the problem?
My only answer to that is that I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to go find my self. I need to find out what makes me tick. What motivates me. What makes me really happy. What my true opinions are, about everything. From politics to people.
I'm not going to lie. I'm completely freezes up while posting this because I'm thinking 'to truly get the space I need I need to pack up and go to moms' then right after that I think "he will be so pissed.'
I haven't worn my rings for just over a week. I spent almost two hours looking at apartments/houses for rent.
Wow this list looked so much better in my head as I was freezing in bed...
I had to respond because I had the exact same problem a couple of years ago. Mr. C and I have been together 7 years in October. Around 5 years I was wondering lots of things you were wondering. My suggestion is talk to him about some of the things you are feeling. The longer you wait, the more impatient you will become about your feelings. Getting married is a big deal, you do not want to take what your heart is saying to you lightly. If you need some time, don't necessarily break up, but do go take some time for yourself. If you need to figure you out, then you should do it before you get married so that nothing changes for you afterwards. I am a big proponent of staying married once you are unless under certain circumstances of course. I would hate to see you unhappy through this process of wedding planning and everything!!! Keep me posted!! I'm thinking about you girl. I'm proud of you for being so honest.
ReplyDelete