Things looking up??

Maybe.

Possibly...

Hopefully...

Joshua and I had a discussion today. Well two of them.

Here let me tell you how yesterday went first so that you can understand todays...

It all started with the people in Searcy who didn't have their crap together! They called me at about 840 and said that I had to go down there with Joshua to sign papers so that he could get his bike. Well, I had to work that night and had ended up staying at G's. My in-state Bro and I had decided to car pool to her house, so I had to bring him to his car before going to meet with Joshua. Along with stopping by the bank and getting some food in my tummy.

When I finally got to Joshua, he went from in a good mood to in a bad mood. And spent the better part of an hour yelling at me in the truck with his dad as we drove down to Searcy. Yes, I was pissed. I did not want to have that discussion(the same discussion we've had for about the past month) in front of his dad. And I told him. He's reply was that his dad already knew everything. I didn't care and still did not want to have the discussion in front of his dad. Didn't stop him. He also called my said instate Bro and told him never to contact me again as he felt like I had been replacing him(joshua). He threatened to take my phone(I literally thought "You are not my mother". He was acting a LOT like my mom used to.) He went on to talk about how in ten years he could be the president of the bank, which would be awesome. but did you notice how his 5years turned into 10??? I sure did. Okay there was a lot said. It would be a horribly long post if I put everything... Or just the stuff that I remembered.

At the Searcy place I was pretty pissed. They were dragging their feet horribly, they were supposed to have everything already lined up and they did not. We got there just after two and didn't leave til after five. I was supposed to be at work at five. In my bad mood and the fact that I wasn't sure when Josh would be home(he was going to drive his dads bike to his house and help him unload it.) I told him that I wasn't giving him five years. Literally we were in the middle of the place I was sitting on a (pretty awesome) four wheeler and I was like, "I'm not waiting five years."

He told me I was being selfish, really selfish. He has guilted me...a lot.

Last night we had a small talk. During the hour yell he mentioned he didn't need friends. And he might not but I do. I am a social person. I thrive with people. At the age of... 7 ish my dad told me I was a social butterfly. I love people. I love friends. I love having good time. That is what our talk was mostly about. And the fact that I went from being my moms daughter to being his wife.

And this morning before I got out of the car for work he asked what I wanted from him. And I couldn't answer. Why not you ask, because I he has guilted me horribly for wanting to leave. Because I do love him, I'm just not in love with him. I told him that(after work). I told him that I need to find out who I am. I reiterated that I went from being my moms daughter to Josh's wife. That I need time to be me. To find myself. Who I really am. And he finally agreed. Finally understood that I had a very valid point. He is going to give me my space instead of smothering me like he has been. The more he tries to cling to me the more I want to get away. it all sounds great but I don't honestly know how long it will actually last. If I will actually get all the space I need. I also don't know if he realizes that i'm still moving.

It was a better day after we had our first talk on the ride home. Then after a while I told him that my instate bro and I are friends. And that I am not going to stop communicating with him. That I'll hang out with him less but we are still going to hang out and talk. I don't know there are a lot of other things for me to type out but I think that's enough for now. I'm sure this is pretty much the longest post I've done in quiet a while.