Breath

Why am I unhappy? Why am i unable to return to the house that I helped pick out and signed papers for? Why am i so unhappy??

Almost every fiber (keyword ALMOST) wants to WANT to go to said house and curl up into a bed with a man that i can not say with 100percent certainty that I love.

And he is fighting for me. He is fighting hard. Very hard. And I have been pushing him away even harder.

Because I don't love myself. Not fully, but I'm getting there. And I can say with 100percent that loving myself had been a hard thing to do my entire life. Maybe it's my standards that are to high on myself.

I can't think about this. I can't sit still.

Even now as I'm trying to think of things to put here, I keep trying to distract myself. With everything I can. I don't want to think. i don't want to talk. My brain has been so so messed up these past few days. So horribly. I can't remember names, or a few small simple things. My short term memory is more or less gone. Probably less...

(after a few hours of sleep, and thinking and bestie time)

I think I honestly will be happier without him. He may be right, no one will ever be able to love me like he does/has. But I wouldn't expect them to. No two people are the same, so why or how could they love the same??

He also thinks that my friends are horribly bad influences on my opinion of him and the marriage. Which is completely untrue. They are advocating for my happiness. Whether or not that is with him or with out him. It is my choice. I have three choices: divorce, stay or go my own way.

The other night at Harps he did what he always does: yelled at me and then was very apologetic and wanted things to work out again. He just wants me back home and will go on like this never happened. "For the better".

he said a lot of thinkgs to be honest. It hit home pretty hard when he said I have no good reason to leave. As you know I feel as though I truly don't, but for my happiness. And for his.

I know that my life will go on with out him. It will go on with out him. and his will go on with out me. He'll be hurt and pissed. And I'll be changing my denomination But not my views. In three weeks I've come a long way from where I was.

And it makes me happy.

Wednesday short story

Wow I forgot it was wednesday..
1. Picking a halloween costume is not easy
2. I want smores
3. I have two if the best female friends ever
4. I have money stress
5. The kids I watched last night were great
6. Reconnected with another old friend
7. Got a voice mail from my dad saying he loved me(I almost started bawling)
8. Joshua went to a counselor today
9. I told my grama (dads mom) josh and I were separated
10. Karaoke was actually lame tonight


It was an over all good day!!

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What is love?

I can quote corinthians to answer that. But what else is it? I thought I knew. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had my fairy tale. But slowly cracks made their way into the walls. And floors and windows. Slowly and sneakily. So sneaky I never saw them so I can't date how long they're been there. But if I had to guess it would be a while.
I met with joshua today. We say at subway for 2.5 hours and finally made some head way. I told him quite a few things. He "spilled" his heart. he wants to practically completely change for me. I don't want that. That isn't love. he said he would take me and buy my tattoo if thats what it took to save us and keep me.
See thing is, I dont want him to hold this against me and or over me. Same about Cali. Same about everything. I caved though. I told him I would try. But only with my terms. 1. He takes his rings off 2. I don't stay there 3. We start all over as if we were just dating 4. I can't believe I'm saying this but sex with no strings 5. He starts going out and making friends. Guys and girls. I don't care.
I promised him nothing. I made it clear, very clear, that I could promise him nothing., I would not could not promise him that I would come home or that this would work. I Kept reiterating that point and that I know that all of this hurt him but it was the truth and it all needed to be said. I wanted to be honest so I was.
I told him I knew that if I stayed things would go back to the way things were. That he and I had always fought and been stressed or entire relationship. Pretty much everything I have posted on here. It all started off with tears but it got to the point that I had to be firm. This is a first for us. We've never been in a situation like this before. He says he's changed. We'll see. That's all I can really say, that's all I really have left to say. I told him I may still not want to come home after all this. So.... We'll see.
He asked if I missed or thought about him. I was honest: yes I'd thought about him, I'd been worried about him. But no I hadn't missed him. I had been so much happier gone.

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Sunday Blues

This post will be all over the place. Fair Warning.

So most of this was supposed to be posted friday but busybusybusy happens to be my life lately. Okay here we go.

I have yet again realized a few things. Don't worry I'm sure I'll also repeat myself a few times. Joshua and I got married to fast. Yes we were married just over a year of being in a relationship, but we were engaged just over six months into it. So we had all of the planning of a wedding going on. I went from being under my moms thumb to being a wife. This is kind of how our relationship has gone: He was always there for me as a friend. We finally started dating and had my high school education and his college education along with how controlling my mom was to have much of our focus. I can't tell you how proud of him I am for being in the top of the class. Then we had the engagement to focus on, all the planning (and planning) and planning the after wedding. Then buying a house(we also looked at houses before getting married.). I mean long story short, we've never really focused on us. Through our entire relationship(except when we were friends) we've fought. And we have always been stressed.

We were in love with being in love. With a future with a family. We've always agreed and been told that if you keep God in the marriage/relationship that it will survive. Well we have always kept God in our relationship/marriage.

I asked him to stop calling me 'baby' friday. He has. But he hasn't stopped trying. Trying very very hard. Joshua is a good man. And I really thought about what my mom said, about me 'throwing everything away.' See thing is, I'm not throwing anything away. I'm passing it on to someone who really deserves it.

Okay so I have no idea what else to say. There is so much that I want to say. But I'm just not sure how to say it.

Well my nanny job is going really good. I really enjoy the little girl she is such a sweet heart! The celtic job is also great. I even got a great compliment from the manager. She loves me as the hostess and hasn't found anyone as good! But the sad thing is I NEED to find another job. I would love to still be able to work at the celtic and am going to try. But with everything going on I am in need of better pay.

I am doing a really cute photo album almost, a type of 365. About a really really cute ducky named Bobby.

Wednesday Short Story!

This is just a bunch of random stuff. Some things I've learned, discovered, and some things that have happened.

• I want to start meeting new people
• I'm going to start wearing heels more
• I love to dress up and "break necks"
• I love to hunt
• I love dirt roads. And all that comes with them.
• I've been reminded that you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
• I have a lot of exciting things coming up.

• I went to a Drag Show (Tons of Fun)
• I'm craving some hunting and am pretty sad about selling my bow.
• I love make friends out of acquaintances!

ahhh a true short story Wednesday!

Not an Open Person

Let me just start off by being really honest.

This blog has helped me in more ways than one. I'm really not an open person, unless we're close and I know I can trust you. But as you've noticed I'm sure I've been spilling some pretty big beans on here. Beans you wouldn't expect a 20year old married penecostal women to be spilling. But here they are.

And the fact that I have been spilling said beans on the world wide web has helped me to be able to talk to other people about it. Some know more than what I've typed on here and some know lesss. I'm doing this to help myself. Mainly. Mostly. And to also help some one out there, anyone, man, woman, engaged, married or just dating.

So the fact that I'm not that open with complete strangers sometimes makes it hard for me to post on here.

I'm sure you're wondering how it went at my moms. It went pretty bad but better than I expected....The day I left. My first night there after work I told her a little about what was going on: Josh and I are seperated. I need my space. I got married too young.

Wait wait wait...let me back track real quick. I called to let her know that I would be staying for a while...a few weeks or maybe a few months. She automatically asked if I was seeing anyone else. Yeah that pissed me off. By the way the answer is NO.

Back to her bathroom where we were talking a second ago. She asked me if I was having an affair. I said NO. And mentally wished she would quit projecting herself on to me.) She asked who my instate brother was and said she didn't recognize his name from highschool. I told her he and I weren't that close then and thought I never told you anything about highschool and was stuck on Josh then. She then told me Josh had called her the day before crying(that's how she knew about ISB [instate bro]). And asked how I could just throw everything away.

Yeah thanks mom thanks for making one of the hardest things I'm doing in life even easier. Thanks.

An hour or so later she came to sit on the foot rest of a sofa I was on(blogging at the time I think) and said, "I can't believe I'm old enough that my baby is married....and about to through everything away." Needless to say I cussed her out in my head a little. Another needless thing to say is I'm not staying there right now...or for a while. I may go back to get some deer meat to cook but that'll be it. The day I left the house she only asked if Josh and I had spoken. And that was it, and I was proud of her.

I don't know what anyone things at this point. I don't know if she believes that I'm NOT having an affair, if my step dad thinks I am, if my uncle does(which I highly doubt, but he never brought the subject up. He knows I'll talk when I'm ready.), or what Joshuas family thinks. I had to leave my moms because I felt like I was being pushed back to Joshua. And that is NOT what I need right now. I have not contacted a lawer or filed for divorce because, well, what if I am truly happy with Josh. I'm not going to lie, I can't afford divorce. I especially won't be happy if we divorce and get back together, I've had to always think about money money money for so long that it would be such a waste to do the divorce and all. Yes I know that sounds super duper shallow and cold, but it's true.

I may actually be happy with him. There have been several times where I've wanted to just go back to the house and pretend this never happend and go back to the way things were. Because they were easier then. And they've been going on for so long.

This past weekend has been super fun. Well, mainly last night. We had a great Angels Night( "angels" was an accidental nick name we picked up our first night out a few weeks ago.) I love my bests. I love all of my supportive friends and co workers. I'm blessed.

Don't worry, I'm sure God isn't happy with me right now. But that's not to say that what I'm going through won't make me a stronger Christian or be able to help someone else along the lines.

I am just trying to find me. And I was recently told that a few pictures of me have seemed so happy. And I am happy. But I've still got a lot of figureing out and digging to do.

My mind may be made up already and I just have to get my heart on the same page. I'm not sure. I'm not going to lie, I've some what avoided my church family and friends for fear of being pushed and guilted back to Joshua. It's not easy and it's not right, but it is what it is.

I'm going to leave this as a broken off post. I have more to say but not enough time to do it..

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Bandito!

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Blank.

Pain.

Those are the two things I've been feeling lately.

I had a bunch of words flowing through my mind earlier. I don't know where they went.

I packed up most of my clothes yesterday. I left Joshua a note, it was a one and three fourths pages long. Yeah, not very long at all. It mainly said things I already had. And yes a note. No that wasn't the best way but it was the only way. He would have guilted me into staying if I had chosen any other revenues. I did fine last night, absolutely fine.

After six.

Karaoke Night helped a ton and so did a friend from high school. He literally had me laughing all night. I haven't laughed that hard for that long in a long long time. It was great.



My words are still gone.

My mom thinks I'm having an affair. Pretty sure my step dad does, along with Joshua and his family. Not sure about my Uncle.

I am so blank right now,I don't even know. Anything. Hopefully I'll find my words in the morning.

Hopefully I won't be yelling them.

Why do I want to leave again?

This is something I've been asking myself for the past...three days? Maybe four. Probably this whole past month.

I've been trying to write a list this morning(I had more points while I was still laying freezing bed). Why won't Josh and I work. Why am I having so many doubts. How are we different. These are all factors I'm trying to put on paper. Maybe I'm having trouble doing it because I'm so scared he'll see it. But then again if he ever reads any of my blog he'll be pretty ticked off.

I know that I could be happy staying with him. I know that we could pretty well pretend all of this never happened. But that doesn't mean that it didn't. That doesn't mean that a few things have re awakened in me. Our life will be standardized. It would fit into a mold. And he would be more than happy with that. But I would still crave that life I have always craved.

I fell in love because he was the fairy tale. He was like Prince Charming, rescuing me from the dragon.

Here is a question I keep asking my self: Why am I not happy???

I have practically everything. A house, a car, two dogs. A great church. A good man. What am I missing? What is it that is the problem?

My only answer to that is that I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to go find my self. I need to find out what makes me tick. What motivates me. What makes me really happy. What my true opinions are, about everything. From politics to people.

I'm not going to lie. I'm completely freezes up while posting this because I'm thinking 'to truly get the space I need I need to pack up and go to moms' then right after that I think "he will be so pissed.'

I haven't worn my rings for just over a week. I spent almost two hours looking at apartments/houses for rent.

Wow this list looked so much better in my head as I was freezing in bed...

Long over DUE!

Okay I have half an hour before midnight! I can do this!!! Here are some way long over do photos that I have been promising and promising!!

I want this!!

I seriously wanted to just curl up on this. It looked so fluffy and comfy. If I could be guaranteed that there were no spiders, bugs or snakes I would have. And slept very peacefully. Even though this picture really doesn't show just how fluffy this grass looked...

One of the top pictures of the night(last friday)

A must read.

Oh dear... I need to step up my photo taking! I have been slacking pretty bad!!

before the dyeing...

please excuse the mess that I was!

Moving forward with it All

Well, today has been....

Interesting?

I didn't fall asleep til about two am. Was woken up around 8/830. Took an hour is nap. Applied for a few nanny/babysitting jobs and a photography job. I really really hope to hear back about them. Maybe not all the baby sitting jobs but a few of them and definitely the photography job.

I'll need to take out a small loan for a camera. Which is exciting because not only will I be getting credit from the car, and Josh's bike but also for a camera.

I've put a lot of things on the back burner that I used to really enjoy.

Ohmygoodness ohmygoodness ohmygoodness!!

I just got an email from the photographer gotta go!

Things looking up??

Maybe.

Possibly...

Hopefully...

Joshua and I had a discussion today. Well two of them.

Here let me tell you how yesterday went first so that you can understand todays...

It all started with the people in Searcy who didn't have their crap together! They called me at about 840 and said that I had to go down there with Joshua to sign papers so that he could get his bike. Well, I had to work that night and had ended up staying at G's. My in-state Bro and I had decided to car pool to her house, so I had to bring him to his car before going to meet with Joshua. Along with stopping by the bank and getting some food in my tummy.

When I finally got to Joshua, he went from in a good mood to in a bad mood. And spent the better part of an hour yelling at me in the truck with his dad as we drove down to Searcy. Yes, I was pissed. I did not want to have that discussion(the same discussion we've had for about the past month) in front of his dad. And I told him. He's reply was that his dad already knew everything. I didn't care and still did not want to have the discussion in front of his dad. Didn't stop him. He also called my said instate Bro and told him never to contact me again as he felt like I had been replacing him(joshua). He threatened to take my phone(I literally thought "You are not my mother". He was acting a LOT like my mom used to.) He went on to talk about how in ten years he could be the president of the bank, which would be awesome. but did you notice how his 5years turned into 10??? I sure did. Okay there was a lot said. It would be a horribly long post if I put everything... Or just the stuff that I remembered.

At the Searcy place I was pretty pissed. They were dragging their feet horribly, they were supposed to have everything already lined up and they did not. We got there just after two and didn't leave til after five. I was supposed to be at work at five. In my bad mood and the fact that I wasn't sure when Josh would be home(he was going to drive his dads bike to his house and help him unload it.) I told him that I wasn't giving him five years. Literally we were in the middle of the place I was sitting on a (pretty awesome) four wheeler and I was like, "I'm not waiting five years."

He told me I was being selfish, really selfish. He has guilted me...a lot.

Last night we had a small talk. During the hour yell he mentioned he didn't need friends. And he might not but I do. I am a social person. I thrive with people. At the age of... 7 ish my dad told me I was a social butterfly. I love people. I love friends. I love having good time. That is what our talk was mostly about. And the fact that I went from being my moms daughter to being his wife.

And this morning before I got out of the car for work he asked what I wanted from him. And I couldn't answer. Why not you ask, because I he has guilted me horribly for wanting to leave. Because I do love him, I'm just not in love with him. I told him that(after work). I told him that I need to find out who I am. I reiterated that I went from being my moms daughter to Josh's wife. That I need time to be me. To find myself. Who I really am. And he finally agreed. Finally understood that I had a very valid point. He is going to give me my space instead of smothering me like he has been. The more he tries to cling to me the more I want to get away. it all sounds great but I don't honestly know how long it will actually last. If I will actually get all the space I need. I also don't know if he realizes that i'm still moving.

It was a better day after we had our first talk on the ride home. Then after a while I told him that my instate bro and I are friends. And that I am not going to stop communicating with him. That I'll hang out with him less but we are still going to hang out and talk. I don't know there are a lot of other things for me to type out but I think that's enough for now. I'm sure this is pretty much the longest post I've done in quiet a while.

So much So little time.

I have been fighting a massive migraine all morning. Stress and lack of sleep.

I've been having very minor asthma attacks, stress induced I'm positive.

Today has been a bad day that just keeps gettin worse...

More tomorrow.

I'll be better when I'm older

I absolutely love that song by Edwin McCain.
(it's actually what I'm listening to right now. Thank you Pandora for being amazing.)


Okay so I need to get this all out before I do another ho-hum depressing and yet uninformative post.


Josh and I are having problems(obviously). They have been going on for quite a while. Longer than I think I even know. And they've finally caught up with us. Mainly me. He has had three years of my life. No matter what happens I will always love him. And his amazing family.

But thing is, I'm moving to California. With or with out him. More likely the latter. Now I'm not doing this tomorrow. It's going to be in about two years. At least that's the dead line. I'm going to get in touch with my dad and see if he'll let me live in the extra house on his property while I get everything lined up. A job and a place to live in the town of the college I want to go to. I'm going to go to college to be a Marine Biologist.

This didn't just pop out of the blue. I've wanted to be one for quite a while and I let myself be talked out of it.

The other night when Josh and I drove to the ball park and talked, he asked me for five years. Five years for him to be ready to leave. And I can't give that to him because I will stay here for the rest of my life. I will persue a degree in something that will not make me truly happy. And yes I know that this sounds selfish. But I will not be happy staying here. And he will not be happy leaving here. Arkansas gets in your blood. I pretty much grew up here. There is no way I could completely abandon it. Not to mention I do also have family here.

Joshua wants to try and he want's to make things work. And I want to try. Like I said it's been three years of my life, I'm not just going to give up. He is a great man who has done so much for me. I never saw us going through all of this but we are.
And it's hard.
And I don't know how I feel.
I feel horrible, but I feel nothing.

And I can't believe I'm being so open with complete strangers. I just hope that what I'm going through, all of this that I type about, that one day it will help some one else.


Divorce was never in my vocabulary and now it's seems inevitable.

Staying at my moms has been a little bit of a help. I'm planning on going to the house tomorrow. Not sure what time but before I go to work tomorrow night. Tonight I'm going to a bests house, then sunday work and church. Monday we may go to Joshuas parent's house, they want to have a little get together with us and my bro/sis in law. We may even go to the Washington County Fair. Probably not, but it sounds nice.

And on a side note...

I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend!! I'll do a picture post ASAP! Probably....this weekend???