Almost every fiber (keyword ALMOST) wants to WANT to go to said house and curl up into a bed with a man that i can not say with 100percent certainty that I love.
And he is fighting for me. He is fighting hard. Very hard. And I have been pushing him away even harder.
Because I don't love myself. Not fully, but I'm getting there. And I can say with 100percent that loving myself had been a hard thing to do my entire life. Maybe it's my standards that are to high on myself.
I can't think about this. I can't sit still.
Even now as I'm trying to think of things to put here, I keep trying to distract myself. With everything I can. I don't want to think. i don't want to talk. My brain has been so so messed up these past few days. So horribly. I can't remember names, or a few small simple things. My short term memory is more or less gone. Probably less...
(after a few hours of sleep, and thinking and bestie time)
I think I honestly will be happier without him. He may be right, no one will ever be able to love me like he does/has. But I wouldn't expect them to. No two people are the same, so why or how could they love the same??
He also thinks that my friends are horribly bad influences on my opinion of him and the marriage. Which is completely untrue. They are advocating for my happiness. Whether or not that is with him or with out him. It is my choice. I have three choices: divorce, stay or go my own way.
The other night at Harps he did what he always does: yelled at me and then was very apologetic and wanted things to work out again. He just wants me back home and will go on like this never happened. "For the better".
he said a lot of thinkgs to be honest. It hit home pretty hard when he said I have no good reason to leave. As you know I feel as though I truly don't, but for my happiness. And for his.
I know that my life will go on with out him. It will go on with out him. and his will go on with out me. He'll be hurt and pissed. And I'll be changing my denomination But not my views. In three weeks I've come a long way from where I was.
And it makes me happy.
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