Not an Open Person

Let me just start off by being really honest.

This blog has helped me in more ways than one. I'm really not an open person, unless we're close and I know I can trust you. But as you've noticed I'm sure I've been spilling some pretty big beans on here. Beans you wouldn't expect a 20year old married penecostal women to be spilling. But here they are.

And the fact that I have been spilling said beans on the world wide web has helped me to be able to talk to other people about it. Some know more than what I've typed on here and some know lesss. I'm doing this to help myself. Mainly. Mostly. And to also help some one out there, anyone, man, woman, engaged, married or just dating.

So the fact that I'm not that open with complete strangers sometimes makes it hard for me to post on here.

I'm sure you're wondering how it went at my moms. It went pretty bad but better than I expected....The day I left. My first night there after work I told her a little about what was going on: Josh and I are seperated. I need my space. I got married too young.

Wait wait wait...let me back track real quick. I called to let her know that I would be staying for a while...a few weeks or maybe a few months. She automatically asked if I was seeing anyone else. Yeah that pissed me off. By the way the answer is NO.

Back to her bathroom where we were talking a second ago. She asked me if I was having an affair. I said NO. And mentally wished she would quit projecting herself on to me.) She asked who my instate brother was and said she didn't recognize his name from highschool. I told her he and I weren't that close then and thought I never told you anything about highschool and was stuck on Josh then. She then told me Josh had called her the day before crying(that's how she knew about ISB [instate bro]). And asked how I could just throw everything away.

Yeah thanks mom thanks for making one of the hardest things I'm doing in life even easier. Thanks.

An hour or so later she came to sit on the foot rest of a sofa I was on(blogging at the time I think) and said, "I can't believe I'm old enough that my baby is married....and about to through everything away." Needless to say I cussed her out in my head a little. Another needless thing to say is I'm not staying there right now...or for a while. I may go back to get some deer meat to cook but that'll be it. The day I left the house she only asked if Josh and I had spoken. And that was it, and I was proud of her.

I don't know what anyone things at this point. I don't know if she believes that I'm NOT having an affair, if my step dad thinks I am, if my uncle does(which I highly doubt, but he never brought the subject up. He knows I'll talk when I'm ready.), or what Joshuas family thinks. I had to leave my moms because I felt like I was being pushed back to Joshua. And that is NOT what I need right now. I have not contacted a lawer or filed for divorce because, well, what if I am truly happy with Josh. I'm not going to lie, I can't afford divorce. I especially won't be happy if we divorce and get back together, I've had to always think about money money money for so long that it would be such a waste to do the divorce and all. Yes I know that sounds super duper shallow and cold, but it's true.

I may actually be happy with him. There have been several times where I've wanted to just go back to the house and pretend this never happend and go back to the way things were. Because they were easier then. And they've been going on for so long.

This past weekend has been super fun. Well, mainly last night. We had a great Angels Night( "angels" was an accidental nick name we picked up our first night out a few weeks ago.) I love my bests. I love all of my supportive friends and co workers. I'm blessed.

Don't worry, I'm sure God isn't happy with me right now. But that's not to say that what I'm going through won't make me a stronger Christian or be able to help someone else along the lines.

I am just trying to find me. And I was recently told that a few pictures of me have seemed so happy. And I am happy. But I've still got a lot of figureing out and digging to do.

My mind may be made up already and I just have to get my heart on the same page. I'm not sure. I'm not going to lie, I've some what avoided my church family and friends for fear of being pushed and guilted back to Joshua. It's not easy and it's not right, but it is what it is.

I'm going to leave this as a broken off post. I have more to say but not enough time to do it..

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