Pain and Ramblings

Let me start off by saying this will be a mostly sad post.

I was a hot mess last night. Lots of crying lots of pain, anger, frustration and stress. Lots. My dad called me while I was at work and told me that my Grama (yes I know it's spelt wrong but that's how I've spelt it since I was tiny.) has cancer. She is going to be having kimo and a lot of surgery. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't seen her or my Grampa(who has congestive heart failure and is not doing well) in over two years.
And I haven't been the best grandaughter in the world. I love them more than they'll ever know, but because I sometimes feel like an outcast, which is all in my head I'm sure and a topic I may or may not cover in the future, I haven't tried anywhere near as hard as I should to stay in touch with them. Something that since the seperation/divorce has actually changed, my Grama and I are getting closer. So are my father and I.

But like I said, I haven't seen them in over two years. I have major financial stress, that is hightened by the fact that I want to go see them and I don't want to wait til Febuary like I was originally planny. I want to go now. I want to go in December and stay a while and help, even though my dad and aunt are staying there. I want to go learn about my grama and grampa and make as many memories as I can. There is still a lot I want to learn about and from them.

Last night I was having trouble breathing, I felt nausious, I had a horrible time controlling my tears and I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to hurt myself so that I could control all of this emotional confusion. I did not though, so don't worry. I'm sure you're wondering why I took it so hard and I can only tell you that I have a lot of stress. A lot. But I am much better today. I came home, had a few beers, and took something to help me sleep. Didn't really sleep well, but at least I slept.Woke up, copied some recipies, ate, went for a jog(gave myself a migrane), and am now helping with the yardsale. I will soon be going shopping. YAY.

BFTAG was on a camping trip out of town, a few hours away actually, but he did call and we talked for about half an hour. Let me tell you, it helped a lot. So did all the people who were blowing up my phone and making me feel better.

Trust me this is not at all the post I was wanting to make, that post will probably be done tomorrow.

And those ramblings I mentioned are probably not going to happen. They are in my head but I seem to not be in a rambling mood.