Blank.

Pain.

Those are the two things I've been feeling lately.

I had a bunch of words flowing through my mind earlier. I don't know where they went.

I packed up most of my clothes yesterday. I left Joshua a note, it was a one and three fourths pages long. Yeah, not very long at all. It mainly said things I already had. And yes a note. No that wasn't the best way but it was the only way. He would have guilted me into staying if I had chosen any other revenues. I did fine last night, absolutely fine.

After six.

Karaoke Night helped a ton and so did a friend from high school. He literally had me laughing all night. I haven't laughed that hard for that long in a long long time. It was great.



My words are still gone.

My mom thinks I'm having an affair. Pretty sure my step dad does, along with Joshua and his family. Not sure about my Uncle.

I am so blank right now,I don't even know. Anything. Hopefully I'll find my words in the morning.

Hopefully I won't be yelling them.

Why do I want to leave again?

This is something I've been asking myself for the past...three days? Maybe four. Probably this whole past month.

I've been trying to write a list this morning(I had more points while I was still laying freezing bed). Why won't Josh and I work. Why am I having so many doubts. How are we different. These are all factors I'm trying to put on paper. Maybe I'm having trouble doing it because I'm so scared he'll see it. But then again if he ever reads any of my blog he'll be pretty ticked off.

I know that I could be happy staying with him. I know that we could pretty well pretend all of this never happened. But that doesn't mean that it didn't. That doesn't mean that a few things have re awakened in me. Our life will be standardized. It would fit into a mold. And he would be more than happy with that. But I would still crave that life I have always craved.

I fell in love because he was the fairy tale. He was like Prince Charming, rescuing me from the dragon.

Here is a question I keep asking my self: Why am I not happy???

I have practically everything. A house, a car, two dogs. A great church. A good man. What am I missing? What is it that is the problem?

My only answer to that is that I need to stand on my own two feet. I need to go find my self. I need to find out what makes me tick. What motivates me. What makes me really happy. What my true opinions are, about everything. From politics to people.

I'm not going to lie. I'm completely freezes up while posting this because I'm thinking 'to truly get the space I need I need to pack up and go to moms' then right after that I think "he will be so pissed.'

I haven't worn my rings for just over a week. I spent almost two hours looking at apartments/houses for rent.

Wow this list looked so much better in my head as I was freezing in bed...

Long over DUE!

Okay I have half an hour before midnight! I can do this!!! Here are some way long over do photos that I have been promising and promising!!

I want this!!

I seriously wanted to just curl up on this. It looked so fluffy and comfy. If I could be guaranteed that there were no spiders, bugs or snakes I would have. And slept very peacefully. Even though this picture really doesn't show just how fluffy this grass looked...

One of the top pictures of the night(last friday)

A must read.

Oh dear... I need to step up my photo taking! I have been slacking pretty bad!!

before the dyeing...

please excuse the mess that I was!

Moving forward with it All

Well, today has been....

Interesting?

I didn't fall asleep til about two am. Was woken up around 8/830. Took an hour is nap. Applied for a few nanny/babysitting jobs and a photography job. I really really hope to hear back about them. Maybe not all the baby sitting jobs but a few of them and definitely the photography job.

I'll need to take out a small loan for a camera. Which is exciting because not only will I be getting credit from the car, and Josh's bike but also for a camera.

I've put a lot of things on the back burner that I used to really enjoy.

Ohmygoodness ohmygoodness ohmygoodness!!

I just got an email from the photographer gotta go!

Things looking up??

Maybe.

Possibly...

Hopefully...

Joshua and I had a discussion today. Well two of them.

Here let me tell you how yesterday went first so that you can understand todays...

It all started with the people in Searcy who didn't have their crap together! They called me at about 840 and said that I had to go down there with Joshua to sign papers so that he could get his bike. Well, I had to work that night and had ended up staying at G's. My in-state Bro and I had decided to car pool to her house, so I had to bring him to his car before going to meet with Joshua. Along with stopping by the bank and getting some food in my tummy.

When I finally got to Joshua, he went from in a good mood to in a bad mood. And spent the better part of an hour yelling at me in the truck with his dad as we drove down to Searcy. Yes, I was pissed. I did not want to have that discussion(the same discussion we've had for about the past month) in front of his dad. And I told him. He's reply was that his dad already knew everything. I didn't care and still did not want to have the discussion in front of his dad. Didn't stop him. He also called my said instate Bro and told him never to contact me again as he felt like I had been replacing him(joshua). He threatened to take my phone(I literally thought "You are not my mother". He was acting a LOT like my mom used to.) He went on to talk about how in ten years he could be the president of the bank, which would be awesome. but did you notice how his 5years turned into 10??? I sure did. Okay there was a lot said. It would be a horribly long post if I put everything... Or just the stuff that I remembered.

At the Searcy place I was pretty pissed. They were dragging their feet horribly, they were supposed to have everything already lined up and they did not. We got there just after two and didn't leave til after five. I was supposed to be at work at five. In my bad mood and the fact that I wasn't sure when Josh would be home(he was going to drive his dads bike to his house and help him unload it.) I told him that I wasn't giving him five years. Literally we were in the middle of the place I was sitting on a (pretty awesome) four wheeler and I was like, "I'm not waiting five years."

He told me I was being selfish, really selfish. He has guilted me...a lot.

Last night we had a small talk. During the hour yell he mentioned he didn't need friends. And he might not but I do. I am a social person. I thrive with people. At the age of... 7 ish my dad told me I was a social butterfly. I love people. I love friends. I love having good time. That is what our talk was mostly about. And the fact that I went from being my moms daughter to being his wife.

And this morning before I got out of the car for work he asked what I wanted from him. And I couldn't answer. Why not you ask, because I he has guilted me horribly for wanting to leave. Because I do love him, I'm just not in love with him. I told him that(after work). I told him that I need to find out who I am. I reiterated that I went from being my moms daughter to Josh's wife. That I need time to be me. To find myself. Who I really am. And he finally agreed. Finally understood that I had a very valid point. He is going to give me my space instead of smothering me like he has been. The more he tries to cling to me the more I want to get away. it all sounds great but I don't honestly know how long it will actually last. If I will actually get all the space I need. I also don't know if he realizes that i'm still moving.

It was a better day after we had our first talk on the ride home. Then after a while I told him that my instate bro and I are friends. And that I am not going to stop communicating with him. That I'll hang out with him less but we are still going to hang out and talk. I don't know there are a lot of other things for me to type out but I think that's enough for now. I'm sure this is pretty much the longest post I've done in quiet a while.

So much So little time.

I have been fighting a massive migraine all morning. Stress and lack of sleep.

I've been having very minor asthma attacks, stress induced I'm positive.

Today has been a bad day that just keeps gettin worse...

More tomorrow.

I'll be better when I'm older

I absolutely love that song by Edwin McCain.
(it's actually what I'm listening to right now. Thank you Pandora for being amazing.)


Okay so I need to get this all out before I do another ho-hum depressing and yet uninformative post.


Josh and I are having problems(obviously). They have been going on for quite a while. Longer than I think I even know. And they've finally caught up with us. Mainly me. He has had three years of my life. No matter what happens I will always love him. And his amazing family.

But thing is, I'm moving to California. With or with out him. More likely the latter. Now I'm not doing this tomorrow. It's going to be in about two years. At least that's the dead line. I'm going to get in touch with my dad and see if he'll let me live in the extra house on his property while I get everything lined up. A job and a place to live in the town of the college I want to go to. I'm going to go to college to be a Marine Biologist.

This didn't just pop out of the blue. I've wanted to be one for quite a while and I let myself be talked out of it.

The other night when Josh and I drove to the ball park and talked, he asked me for five years. Five years for him to be ready to leave. And I can't give that to him because I will stay here for the rest of my life. I will persue a degree in something that will not make me truly happy. And yes I know that this sounds selfish. But I will not be happy staying here. And he will not be happy leaving here. Arkansas gets in your blood. I pretty much grew up here. There is no way I could completely abandon it. Not to mention I do also have family here.

Joshua wants to try and he want's to make things work. And I want to try. Like I said it's been three years of my life, I'm not just going to give up. He is a great man who has done so much for me. I never saw us going through all of this but we are.
And it's hard.
And I don't know how I feel.
I feel horrible, but I feel nothing.

And I can't believe I'm being so open with complete strangers. I just hope that what I'm going through, all of this that I type about, that one day it will help some one else.


Divorce was never in my vocabulary and now it's seems inevitable.

Staying at my moms has been a little bit of a help. I'm planning on going to the house tomorrow. Not sure what time but before I go to work tomorrow night. Tonight I'm going to a bests house, then sunday work and church. Monday we may go to Joshuas parent's house, they want to have a little get together with us and my bro/sis in law. We may even go to the Washington County Fair. Probably not, but it sounds nice.

And on a side note...

I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend!! I'll do a picture post ASAP! Probably....this weekend???